Artist Statement.
In the portrait photography assignment, my work investigates the notion of anxiety and depression through the use of dim lighting and symbolism. These themes interest me because I am personally experiencing anxiety and depression. In my work, I investigate the notion of depression and anxiety through the use of my models to help convey and show the different phases of my own depression and anxiety.
In my work, I was influenced by Coplans (1997) and Kuhn’s (2004) nude photography. I was interested in Coplans’s way of shooting his own self-portraits and how he portrayed his own body that seemed somewhat confronting, exposing yet beautiful. In Kuhn’s photos, she photographs nude but of other people and shoots them using interesting lighting and model poses to manipulate light and shadow in her photos. Kuhn’s photos show a sense of mystery which is subtle and provokes interest in photos which is something I tried to replicate in my photos. In my photographs, I’ve used nudity as a symbolism means of vulnerability and exposure but also showing a sense of honesty and bravery which I highly value. In my work, I was also influenced by Masquerade (2003) which showed a variety of contemporary women’s photography by various photographers. Masquerade influenced my work as it showed a sense of strength and bravery. It portrayed women in a way that was not only exposing but honest and brave enough to show people their identities.
The focus of my photographs is to not only tell a story but personally, acknowledge my own fears and sadness, as a way of being truthful to myself. Honest is what helps me to justify my actions and thoughts. I see my own anxiety and depression in phases. For example, in the first photo, it is the start of the depression phase, the photograph is shot in a way that it is “in the moment” such as a snapshot type of photo. The photo shows the subject stressed out, naked and vulnerable, and trapped in a cramped frame, showing a sense of lack of space and evoking viewers to feel uncomfortable. The second photo explores depression when it has affected me deeper, such as staying in a safe place (the bed) and living in your own “cave”. In the photo, I’ve chosen a lighting that shows the subject as if discovered by a flashlight. The subject has her hair covering her face as she feels she despises herself and wants to hide.
Leading to the third photo is the mood of disgust and disgrace. In this photo, I explore the emotion of wanting to “suffocate” myself and hating myself through the use of plastic bags as a way to show dead bodies, and suffocation. The plastic makes viewers feel like the subject is a human experiment, or a dead body giving the viewers a sense of disgust. Personally, I feel a sense of disgrace as I know this part of my depression when I despise myself the most. In the fourth photo, I explore the notion of being lost and confused. Thinking in so deep, that you don’t want to own yourself anymore. For this, I wanted to show a blurred face but with a body that sits still. The lighting for this photo and the third photo is done by painting with light to give a dim, mysterious and dark feeling to the photo.
The last photo contrasts all the other photos as it shows a sense of innocence and purity symbolism by the white and the body language of the subject. The photo is called, "egg". I structured in a way that makes the subject looks like they're within a cocoon.The subject is in a fetus position in which to show vulnerability and sits in the middle of a bed sheet which crowds around her like layers of clouds. These clouds represent a sense of complexity and privacy. White represents the highest point of innocence and vulnerability. For me, the point where I am most accepting of advice and suggestions to become better. This is also a personal photo that represents a need for love and support which is after I have come to terms with accepting myself and my own mistakes. For this photo to be so different from the others, is because this photo represents the stages of healing.
Additional Segment:
I go through these phases multiple times, each time when I am hit with fear and challenges in life. I know for a long time, I cannot combat fear, or simply run away, force it to go away... I realize after many years, fear does not simply go away. It stays. The harder I fight it, the more I feel more depressed, more fearful in fact. You can't force it to go away or combat it... in a way, that is having fear of the fear itself. I realize that you have to accept fear. Acknowledge it and be mindful of it. At least for me. I feel that by acknowledging its existence, I'm accepting that I do have fear, and at the same time reassuring myself and justifying that even if fear exists, I can be brave. I am brave to face fear, to learn to accept it, and learn how to deal with fear. I learn to accept it, but not let it control me. I am aware of it, but I know I can reassure myself because I have been through what its like. It's not that it is unfamiliar. I know what's useful and not useful to say to myself and so, I am slowly learning how to be brave... and confident. I hope that I can keep learning, and keep my mind open so I can become the best I can be.
References:
Coplans, J. (1997) A self-portrait. Contemporary Art Centre: New York.
Kuhn, M. (2004) Photographs. Steidl: Germany
Various Photographers. Edited by Newton, K. & Rolph, C. (2003) Masquerade: Women’s contemporary portrait photography. Vol.2 FFotogallery: Wales.
